It sucks when you find out something horrible about you. I've grown from something so awful; I would never want anyone else to experience it.

  So two nights ago I went through my moms file cabinent. I found some of the court papers between my father and I.

  In the papers it says that he molested me....shoked me while he molested me. It also says that he cut my stomach and called me a "stupid bitch." He also said he didn't like me or my sister....he also smacked my sister when she was 6 months old for crying.  he also stuck things in me and took off my pants and molested my butt too...idk from the report it sounded like anal sex because it says something about a banana. He also masterbated in front of me and forced me into oral sex....i vomited on him and he said "Stupid."   Then when I told Mandy (my old babysitter) she told my mom......his mother and brother then came over and tried to kidnap me. I can't believe all this....I went throughh this from when I was born basically til I was 4 years old.

  I really hate my father...he's a like a psycho satanist or something. Nobody even knows what all happend...but he was proven guilty...but they didn't do anything because only got as far as a restraining order and they said I was too young to put him in jail or something.

  WOW I wrote this in like September or October of 07 and it just got saved on drafts...but here's my blog entry from then anyway...

I don't want to deal with it again. I don't want to deal with him talking to any other chicks any way at 2 in the morning. It just makes me think he likes them, or they have this thing going on, or that they like him. I don't think it's normal to think it's ok.

   I don't think he really loves me. I think he just likes that he can win fights easily. I feel kind of manipulated and controlled. It's like if I feel someway about something, but he doesn't feel that way, then something's wrong with me. Everytime I say something he just tells me I'm messed up, I'm trying to control him, I'm weird, that I'm just trying to say Im right and he's wrong, or that I'm changing. I'm getting so tired and worn out from all this. I feel like I'm just a screwed up person or soemthing now. I feel like  all the feelings I feel are wrong or something kind of.

   I can't believe he told me I'm controling. I've never told him to be this way or that way; he's the one putting up all these rediculous, kind of unrealistic expectations/ standards on me; it's really wearing me out. It's like if I sit by a guy or a guy sits by me, eitherway I feel guilty. I feel like I can't say hi to some people, but only to others; kind of makes me feel traped or something or limited. I know in relationships you're suposed to limit yourself, but idk if you should as much as I do. When he's supoed to call me he gets upset at me, because it's my fault for not calling him, when he didn't call. That hurt my feelings because I expected him to call, when he said he would and he didn't and turned it around and told me it was my fault why we didn't talk. If i don't say I love you the right way, he gets pissed. He sounds different when he says I love you sometimes, but it doesn't bother me. If he sounds pissed or sad, then yeah I'll wonder, but it he just said it like casualy or liek he was in a hurry or blah, then I don't get on him about it.

  I don't feel like this is fair. He's allowed to say nothing and if I say it then he gets pissed at me. If I miss some details by accident, then he gets mad at me...even though he doesn't have to tell me something because he doesn't think it's important. I know if I was to text a guy often in front of him, talk to a guy and not mention him around, not tell him how late I was up till, not tell him what we're talking about, and text him when he's talking to me on the phone, then I know he'd be bothered. He thinks it's ok for him to make me feel that way though. He told me to not talk to Derek who doesn't care about how he feels,

         Hey everyone. Sorry haven't been on in a while. The 4th of July was fun.  I went with one of my friends for a few days up to the mountains to camp.My friend and I rode this quad on all these trails. It was really fun. We made smores and played volly ball. We stayed up till like 3 in the morning just chatting though...lol.

       After camping we went to her house. We had this huge card game with two decks it lasted for about 7 hours. She won though. Other then that we went in her back yard and practiced passing a volly ball. I kept hitting it into this thorny tree though. It actually got stuck in the stupid tree thanks to me....lol. Besides that we played a game called Skip-Bo. Oh yeah and we went to this marina to watch fireworks.(Which was where I use to live) I miss living there soo much.

      Anyways just a few minutes ago I picked up another friend on my way to my hotel. I think she's getting bored so I have to go but I'll keep you all updated. Take care everyone..bye..bye